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Monthly Archives: August 2009

You made it this far so I will let you in on a closely guarded secret of mine… Please don’t tell anyone, I would hate for this to get out… Okay, *deepish breath*…

I was the guy who told Castro that Kennedy and Oswald swapped places, allowing Jack Ruby to be sent in to finish the job. The US government, however, caught wind of the Cuban plot and convinced Ruby to defect. The deal was simple; they would protect him if he agreed to pose as Oswald, relieving Kennedy of the job. Unfortunately at this point Kennedy had gotten a taste for blood and insisted that he be allowed to kill Ruby. The plan was that the Cubans would see Oswald (who they thought was Kennedy, but was really their man Ruby) die and mistakenly assume they had won. The Mafia, however, caught on. After Kennedy shot Ruby, they swapped Ruby’s cold medication (which was administered intravenously to Kennedy) with [REDACTED], causing a pulmonary embolism and the death of our disguised former-president. Ladies and gentlemen, the President is dead. Long live the President!

Nah, I’m kidding, Elvis Killed Kennedy.

This a leftist attempt to bring down unity in the Republican party… or something. Honestly, though, come on! My guess is that the LGBTSA is behind this. Next thing we know, O’Reilly will come out of the closet and propose to marry Kerry*. It’s amazing how far you can bring brainwashing. Perhaps there will be an episode of Fair and Balanced that satisfies at least one of its title’s descriptors. Perhaps even we’ll hear the voice of someone he’s interviewing! Or an apology to Glick for calling him a trader to America and a shame to his two dead parents. I can’t help but to wonder, to dream, what the LGBTSA will think of next!

Or perhaps O’Reilly finally wants to be able to look into the mirror at night without seeing the monster he’s become.

Nah, he just wants to be able to defend himself against claims of racism with “Some of my best presidents are black!

Okay LGBTSA, you’re off the hook this time.

~ φʹνʹεʹ ~

* I’m joking about the Kerry part. In actuality, my bet is on Rupert Murdoch. They’ve been bumping knees for a long time now… not to mention engaging in sexual intimacy.