Skip navigation

I was going through the “Latest Headlines” (almost always a mistake) when my eyes fell upon the following:

Facebook same name couple to wed

Curious as to how these two concepts related I pressed on.

A couple with the same name who found each other through social networking website Facebook are to tie the knot.

Wow, fucking wow. Why yes; a couple, who met on Facebook, and who even have the same first name, are due to wed. Gee golly, breakout the champagnee. I hope my sarcasm manages to ooze its way through the tubes and out onto the journalist’s keyboard, frying it irreparably. What crap.

So why did they chose that topic to cover? I guess it makes sense. Love, Facebook, someone with the last name “Hildebrandt,” it had it all! And, something more.

Much like keeping those imprisoned in a labor camp alive long enough to be useful, the art of writing a news headline is a science.  I’ve noticed a recent trend in articles containing “same” coupled with two subsequent nouns. “Same blank blank.” Their wording has tripped me up before and caused a few double takes. Until now I’ve always wondered if they were intentionally trying to snag us Liberal Skim Readers (LSR), but… now I’m almost certain. “Facebook same __ couple to wed.” come on, Same __ couple?  “Same sex couple” has become a well established word grouping. It’s the simplest way of expressing the idea without going into set theory.

Ugh. It was just three letters off from something I actually care about. Fuck it, that’s close enough for this LSR.

Oy vey, Eris!

Phnepsilon, The Suffixless

Advertisements

“The Inter-Dimensional Quest for a Better You,” the banner announced. I suppressed an inter-dimensional spew of vomit and kept reading.

Burt Goldman, after biting his tongue for 36 years (WOW!), has finally revealed his ultra-secret, hyper-effective… thing? The article doesn’t come out and /say/ what the product is right away, but if it was secret for 36 years then it must be buyworthy!

The (whatever) is marketed at the “99%” who are not “truly happy” with their life,  those who do not “wake up every morning feeling 100% fulfilled.” Perhaps they should subdivide and focus on a particular segment. Oh wait, they do; “for the tarot enthusiast only.” Shit. Is that a shot at tarot readers? I think so.

Of course, depending on the version of spam you get, the finer details vary. However, the most important thing to remember is that you should give them your money.

Hail Eris, (and All Hail Quantum Bullshitting)!

-Phnepsilon…. Just Phnepsilon.

Soon after I posted my first article on the Michael Jackson conspiracy, my blog was deleted and I was forced to drop the “U” from my name and start a new blog on wordpress. I am now posting again as a show that I will not be silenced. Listen here, as long as Michael Jackson lives, I plan to do my duty as a United States of American and make that life a living hell. Anilluminati or no Anilluminati, the truth will prevail. So I say once again, MICHAEL JACKSON LIVES. Now moving on to the Straight Talk.

The mainstream media may (for the first time ever) be catching up to the truth. Michael Jackson’s body has been reported missing. Yes; missing. Of course neither of us are surprised, but please understand that this is a big step for a group of people who declared Bush the winner of our 2000 election*.

The Media’s surprisingly bullet-proof logic is this: 1. Some law somewhere states that you have to be buried where your death certificate says you are 2. People are saying his isn’t yet. The Jackson family, being a law abiding bunch, would of course ensure that the body was in the ground as fast as possible. Sounds like a pretty solid case to me! This is not even mentioning the unsightings of his corpse within the casket that occurred some point after the procession. Still a skeptic? Well, most compelling of all is that his family isn’t talking. Why would you not say something if you didn’t have something to hide?

Hail Eris and all that Jaz.

– Phnepsilon, The Suffixless AKA The Gin Fairy AKA Shnepsilon AKA Phenepislon AKA Phnep AKA Snap (for some reason)

* The winner was actually whichever candidate you voted for. Well, just so long as that candidate wasn’t Bush. Don’t blame me, I voted Max Flax Beeblewax in every election year ending with 5.

Thus spake the girl in bed with me, who (lacking a holy name), shall henceforth be referred to as Girl In Bed With Me, Spaker of Things About Stuff.

So yes; the world is a bowl of hedgehogs. And while the bowl itself is entirely arbitrary, each hedgehog feels a need to claim their interpretation as truth and push it on others. They war over it; each defending their meaning while calling all others wrong. “The bowl is a deep plate,” says one, “no; the bowl is really just a ladle with an unknowable handle,” says another, then someone says something about love and creates an awkward silence.

One day a single hedgehog named… uh.. Mr. Hedgehog… can’t take the arguing anymore and gets up on a soap box. “If each of you claims that every other is wrong, then everyone’s wrong!” Then, in a single moment of bowl-wide unity, the heretical hedgehog is forcefully thrown from the bowl. A few weeks of peace and then back to warring.

As that poor little fellow drifts away, looking back at hedgehogilization, the bowl’s nature reveals itself for what it truly is; a series of shared hallucinations* occurring in clusters around a ham-sandwich floating in space. If they were to put aside their arguments, they would see the fruitlessness of it all, stop warring and instead start zooming around with little hedgehog sized jet packs. But no! Instead they war. A shame really, because the now enlightened hedgehog drifting through space is about to watch them get eaten by, uh… hungry space-turtle. Well, this hedgehog has decided to grab a jet pack before that happens.

Hail Eris, and SO LONG God’s Bowl’o’Hedgehogs of a Spaceship, PLANET EARTH.

– The Great and Wonderful, Omni-Opiate, Irreverently Reverent Reverend Phnepsilon, The Suffixless.

* Anthropologist’s call it consensus reality. Pray it never happens to you!

Michael Jackson isn’t dead; he’s just gone undercover. He needs to hang low until the US Government gets off his tail. Why does the US Government want him? He’s not only wanted by 4 of the 5 secret societies that control them, but he’s also in part personally responsible for the events that took place on 9/11/2001. Here are the facts; on 9/10/2001 (yes; a day before the whole world-trade center/pentagon/some-field thing) he performed a concert. But not just any concert! At this “performance” he could bee seen making many fervent hand and leg gestures while he sang. Now, to the untrained eye this could be interpreted as a simple seizure, but for those initiated (or clued in on) the secrets of Al-Qaeda’s inner circle, the true nature of these movements is immediately apparent; a secret steganographic code. The cipher operates much like the Pigpen transposition cipher commonly used by the Freemasons, except using the human body as a steganograph to add an additional layer of fuzziness… that is to say “more flailing.” The movements of his limbs mimic the corresponding correspondences on the correspondence chart mapping correspondences, allowing for subsequent decorrespondence. When you piece the pieces back together they spell out an insidious call to action: “BEAT IT”.

– Phnepsilon, The Suffixless