The Ex Back Formula

Lately I’ve been discussing the secrets of the occult mysteries hidden within the recondities of Esoteric Corporate America.  The Ex Back Formula, alongside Quantum Jumping, falls firmly into this on going theme.

Discover How You Can Get The Love of Your Life Back… Even If Your Situation Seems Beyond Repair!

This is another sad example of an Incorporated Secret Society (ISS)  preying on the DisIlluminated Masses (DIM).

There are predictable patterns of behavior that ALWAYS occur…

I am not sure which party makes me twitch more. The former is a despicable action, the latter a grotesque reaction.

… the mere thought of my ex being PHYSICALLY INTIMATE with another person was enough to make me sick to my stomach.

Not to mention that the product is crap, whether it works or not. Generally speaking, how good is a relationship that results in a person feeling empty and unfulfilled?

Instead of Dr. Phil… my therapists were Dr. Pepper… McDonald’s…. Dunkin Donuts…

Do you really want to get back together with someone who sent you to such a crappy extreme as throwing your money at the Get Rich Quick scheme of relationships?

Man let me tell you… I was SOOO skeptical of this stuff.

Perhaps people are just too afraid to face themselves.

I had watched everything and anything that could help take my mind off the painful reality of life.

In any case, they shit on my favorite activity; texting people while drunk and consumed with self loathing. That’s really what this post is about. I’m pissed.

Hail Zud!

Phnepsilon, The Drunkerd

PS.

Drunk text on my waywad sons.

Two of The Same

I was going through the “Latest Headlines” (almost always a mistake) when my eyes fell upon the following:

Facebook same name couple to wed

Curious as to how these two concepts related I pressed on.

A couple with the same name who found each other through social networking website Facebook are to tie the knot.

Wow, fucking wow. Why yes; a couple, who met on Facebook, and who even have the same first name, are due to wed. Gee golly, breakout the champagnee. I hope my sarcasm manages to ooze its way through the tubes and out onto the journalist’s keyboard, frying it irreparably. What crap.

So why did they chose that topic to cover? I guess it makes sense. Love, Facebook, someone with the last name “Hildebrandt,” it had it all! And, something more.

Much like keeping those imprisoned in a labor camp alive long enough to be useful, the art of writing a news headline is a science.  I’ve noticed a recent trend in articles containing “same” coupled with two subsequent nouns. “Same blank blank.” Their wording has tripped me up before and caused a few double takes. Until now I’ve always wondered if they were intentionally trying to snag us Liberal Skim Readers (LSR), but… now I’m almost certain. “Facebook same __ couple to wed.” come on, Same __ couple?  “Same sex couple” has become a well established word grouping. It’s the simplest way of expressing the idea without going into set theory.

Ugh. It was just three letters off from something I actually care about. Fuck it, that’s close enough for this LSR.

Oy vey, Eris!

Phnepsilon, The Suffixless

Quantum Bullshitting

“The Inter-Dimensional Quest for a Better You,” the banner announced. I suppressed an inter-dimensional spew of vomit and kept reading.

Burt Goldman, after biting his tongue for 36 years (WOW!), has finally revealed his ultra-secret, hyper-effective… thing? The article doesn’t come out and /say/ what the product is right away, but if it was secret for 36 years then it must be buyworthy!

The (whatever) is marketed at the “99%” who are not “truly happy” with their life,  those who do not “wake up every morning feeling 100% fulfilled.” Perhaps they should subdivide and focus on a particular segment. Oh wait, they do; “for the tarot enthusiast only.” Shit. Is that a shot at tarot readers? I think so.

Of course, depending on the version of spam you get, the finer details vary. However, the most important thing to remember is that you should give them your money.

Hail Eris, (and All Hail Quantum Bullshitting)!

-Phnepsilon…. Just Phnepsilon.